


No Way Out of the Mind

by cryinghannie



Series: APPREHENSIONS [2]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Jeonghan has panic disorder, M/M, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, Panic Attacks, Thoughts of Self-harm, jeongcheol - Freeform, unedited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-11
Updated: 2019-09-11
Packaged: 2020-10-13 01:55:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20574536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cryinghannie/pseuds/cryinghannie
Summary: Relapsing back into his pre-debut mind state brought back all of the self-destructive thoughts that Jeonghan had locked up. He could feel himself spiraling out of control and clings onto Seungcheol and Joshua to hold him back.OR Jeonghan wants nothing more than to hurt himself to make the overwhelming thoughts stop.





	No Way Out of the Mind

**Author's Note:**

> A grey wall now, clawed and bloody.  
Is there no way out of the mind?  
Steps at my back spiral into a well.  
There are no trees or birds in this world,  
There is only sourness.

**March 12, 2019**

WORTHLESS. USELESS. BORING. 

BORING. USELESS. WORTHLESS. 

USELESS. WORTHLESS. BORING.

BORINGBORINGBORING.

WORTHLESSWORTHLESSWORTHLESS.

USELESSUSELESSUSELESS.

How many more times are you going to be 'running late', Jeonghan?

How many more times are you going to be 'just tired', Jeonghan? 

GOD, YOU'RE SO FUCKING ANNOYING. 

"Hyung, is my charger on the couch at all?" Vernon asked, peering around the mess of jackets and bags piled up on the couch. 

Jeonghan blinked, dazed, and look down beside him. He felt around beneath him and under the jackets, shaking his head mutely when he didn't find a charger cord. 

"Hm," Vernon hummed in disappointment. "Can I borrow your's?" 

Jeonghan nodded slowly and leaned over, just as slowly, to grab his bag. He didn't have the energy to move any faster. There was a weight on his shoulders that was crushing him, holding him down forcefully. He pulled his charger out of his bag and handed it to Vernon. The younger took it, saying thank you, and went to find an outlet. Jeonghan sunk back into the pile of jackets and closed his eyes tiredly. The room was warm with so many people crowded into it and so many heat products being used. 

Jeonghan watched Joshua get his makeup done. He was supposed to be up next and he dreaded the moment he had to take a seat in that chair, because as soon as he did, the reality of having to face a crowd would set in.

No amount of makeup would make Jeonghan presentable enough for the cameras. He hadn't been sleeping or eating. He looked like a rotting corpse. 

He was just disgusting. 

"Jeonghannie-yah, does your shirt need to be pinned?" a staff called from across the room, frowning as she noticed Jeonghan's shirt was too wide around the neck. 

Jeonghan looked down at himself, adjusting his shirt. Pinned or not, Jeonghan didn't think they could make it flatter his body. But he got up from the couch and went over to have his shirt pinned. 

He stood like a statue, staring blankly at the wall as the woman pinned his shirt. She brushed through his hair gently, tucking some strands into place. Jeonghan glanced up at the ceiling, trying to pull out of his toxic thoughts, and sighed.

"Go have some warm water and relax," the staff told him. "There's nothing to worry about."

Jeonghan thanked her, but he didn't go get any water. Instead, he went in search of Seungcheol, finding him watching something on his phone on a couch. Jeonghan sat down next to him, leaning his head on Seungcheol's shoulder.

"What are you watching?" Jeonghan asked.

Seungcheol looked over at Jeonghan's face next to his. "Monsta X's Buzzfeed interview with puppies. We should try and do this. That would be fun, wouldn't it?" 

Jeonghan shrugged, vaguely nodding. The two sat in silence, watching their friends play with puppies. Jeonghan felt himself relax a little bit leaning against Seungcheol, listening to him breathe. Seungcheol was already completely ready for the filming, his eyes sparkling slightly with eyeshadow and his lips redder than usual. Seungcheol had a hand on Jeonghan's thigh, massaging it soothingly. 

And then Jeonghan had to get his own makeup done. As he sat in the chair, his heart gradually started to pound harder, and he could almost hear it slamming against his rib cage. As his heart thundered in his chest, he grew short on breath, feeling dizzy and lightheaded. 

"Slow your breathing. You're okay," the stylist noona mumbled, her own eyebrows furrowed as she focused on filling in Jeonghan's. 

Jeonghan pressed his tongue against the back of his bottom teeth and he sucked in a deep breath before exhaling slowly. He fumbled to feel his chest, thinking he could physically stop his heart from working so hard. He tried to zero his attention on the feeling of the stylist putting makeup on his face and just five minutes before they were supposed to get on set, he forced his mind to shut down and flip on auto-pilot. He knew it wasn't a good way to handle the anxiety, but completely dissociating from his body allowed him to get through their schedules. 

* * *

The problem with this method only came when he finally returned to his body and reality. They returned to the dorms that night around ten and Jeonghan went to his room to change out of his clothes and put on something more comfortable. He caught sight of his body in his mirror and paused. There was no process of thoughts, just the sudden, abrupt thought of what he would look like if he bruised or cut up his body. 

He looked around his room. An elastic band snapped across his forearm a few times would imitate scars. Or scratching his nails deep into his skin. Or a red pen? Maybe he could use a push-pin to create some scratches. But cuts would draw too much attention. The tabloids would be on that immediately. Bruises he could get away with; both with the tabloids and the members. 

Or, maybe a bruise wouldn't go unnoticed by the members. Joshua and Seungcheol both knew too much to not be suspicious about a random bruise showing up all of the sudden. 

Jeonghan sat down on his bed, still in his underwear, and looked down at the soft, pale undersides of his forearms. There was something vibrating in his brain, whispering at him to hurt himself. He wanted to. He wanted to hurt himself and leave marks. He wanted to self-destruct. He couldn't look so perfect and flawless on the outside when he was rotten and messy on the inside. Jeonghan was a walking false advertisement. 

He clenched his jaw and turned his hands over, scratching his thighs harshly until they stung. He could hear Hoshi and Seungkwan fooling around outside. Chan was laughing brightly. 

Jeonghan needed to Seungcheol. Or anyone, really, to keep him from shredding his skin. 

He put on clothes quickly and flew out of his room, rushing to the door of the dorm. 

"Hyung, are you okay?" Chan asked, but Jeonghan was already running down the stairs. 

He ran into the other dorm's door, hitting it with a fist, suddenly too frantic to even bother with punching in the code. Joshua opened it up, looking ready for bed. Jeonghan rubbed his forehead violently, leaning against the door frame. He forced himself to stop jittering so much and said weakly, "I want to hurt myself."

Joshua's eyebrows jumped in concern and he said, "Okay, alright, well, come in. Sit down. Sit down, and I'll make you some tea." 

Jeonghan entered the dorm and slid onto the couch, feeling like his brain had gone through a blender. The skin on his thighs was burning. He watched Joshua boil some water for tea. Jeonghan rolled over onto his back and pressed his fists into his eyes, a mix between a sob and a whimper coming from his throat. He could feel a breakdown clawing at his throat and tears burning behind his eyes. He wanted to quit all of the sudden. He didn't want to be an idol anymore. He didn't want to go out into the world anymore. 

He sobbed, thoughts overwhelming him. Jihoon came shuffling into the living room, surprised to see Jeonghan. 

"Ah, hyung, are you... What's wrong? What happened?" 

Jeonghan shook his head, wishing for nothing more than to disappear. He didn't want to talk to anyone. 

"It's okay, Jihoonie-yah," Joshua answered, giving Jihoon a look. "I'm just going to make him some tea and then we're going to bed." 

Jihoon got the message. Jeonghan was overwhelmed and exhausted. The last thing he needed was everyone fussing over him. Jihoon nodded, got the glass of water he'd come for, and then returned to his bedroom. 

Wonwoo came through next, dropping onto his bed. He didn't say anything about Jeonghan crying on the couch. He just looked at Joshua, and then awkwardly opened up the book he was reading.

"We'll be out of your hair in a minute," Joshua said to Wonwoo, pouring the tea into a mug. He took the mug and helped Jeonghan from the couch, taking his hand and pulling him down the hall to his room. 

They settled onto Joshua's bed and Jeonghan took the cup of tea, eyes still wet from tears. He took a few steadying breaths and then took a tiny sip of the tea. 

"Did you hurt yourself?" Joshua asked in that soft voice of his. 

"Not bad," Jeonghan answered tiredly.

Joshua looked at him seriously. "What did you do?"

"I just scratched my thighs. I didn't even break the skin," Jeonghan told him. He clenched his jaw against the words, _I wanted to though. I wanted to bleed._ "Sorry. I just lost my head for a minute. I'm fine now." He paused. "Thank you for the tea." 

They sat in silence while Jeonghan drank the hot tea. Joshua was lightly dragging his fingertips up and down Jeonghan's thigh, the feeling distracting his mind from the sting his nails had created earlier. When Jeonghan finished his drink, he put it on Joshua's night stand and then hugged Joshua's body, putting his head on his chest. Joshua hugged him back and slid them down so that they were lying horizontal. 

"Keep coming to us," Joshua said quietly. "Don't think you have to figure out your thoughts or get through them on your own. And just because the company refuses to acknowledge that you really struggle with this, don't think that means it's not serious or worth our concern. I'd be- We would all be devastated if something happened to you, Hannie." 

Jeonghan stayed quiet. He had never thought about killing himself and didn't have any desire to commit suicide to get away from his anxious thoughts. He didn't think that it was _that_ serious. 

He tightened his hug, suddenly feeling scared. What if it did get that bad? What if he got so bad that he resorted to suicide? 

"Please, Jeonghan, please keep telling us what's going on in your head. Okay?" 

Jeonghan nodded. "Okay." His voice caught before he forced out, "I want to hurt myself. I want to mark up my body and bleed." 

Joshua's phone chirped with incoming texts. Jeonghan's chest tightened as he waited for Shua's response. He'd been so scared when he first saw the continuously growing, ever darkening bruise that Jeonghan nursed on his hip during their trainee days. He had been so scared when he saw the four thin cuts on the side of Jeonghan's thigh. Jeonghan had never seen Joshua so mad. That had been one of their biggest arguments all throughout their relationship. 

Hoshi and Seungcheol had kept the argument from escalating, but they were just as scared - just as shocked and worried - as Joshua. All of the members had been. The younger members, Chan, Minghao, and Seungkwan in particular, really thought that they had just caught their hyung only steps away from suicide. Seungkwan had nearly been inconsolable. 

But Joshua wasn't truly angry. He was fucking terrified, and his first response was to express that fear as anger.

"If you catch yourself about to hurt yourself..." Joshua swallowed. "We'll go for a walk. Or if I'm not available, any of the members can go out for a walk with you until your head is cleared. Do you want to go for a walk right now?" 

"No, I'm okay. I just want to sleep," Jeonghan mumbled. He closed his eyes and let out of a heavy exhale.

Joshua squeezed Jeonghan tighter and quietly said, "I love you." 

* * *

Jeonghan couldn't hold his promise of continuing to keep Joshua or Seungcheol up to date about what was tormenting his mind. He started to retreat away from the members and put up his walls, not wanting to be a burden to anyone or their work. He began to deal with his panic attacks alone, covering his mouth with two hands and hunched over in a locked room. His perception of the world started to mold and rot until he felt like a ghost floating through a dream, a sour taste in his mouth.


End file.
